Security and inner peace, are very much a part of who I am.
I may seem chaotic and cluttered, but really under that messy surface I am a being who longs for the security of: a solid relationship, a place to call home, a solid place to work, etc.; etc.; I also long for inner peace, for the voices in my being to quiet and just be. Alas, that’s not always the case, and often times this can get me into loads of trouble. I am notoriously stubborn, and I often speak my mind without really giving much thought. It’s brutal, but it’s oftentimes what defines me from others. I really have a low tolerance for people who don’t give much thought to others; the ones who just look out for ONLY themselves. I understand why this happens, life deals a bad blow, and often the person who is dealt this “hand” has no choice but to do loads of damage control. I’m guilty of this, ten-fold.
I’m super guilty of doing damage-control the last four months have been nothing but coming to terms, and healing– and finding that inner peace that I once had daily. It’s sometimes a slow-battle with my brain. Part of me wants to hide-away, and just be internally sad about what happened. The other half desperately wants to move on and stop worrying that life will repeat again– and just be at peace. It’s a game of “tug of war.” Am I happy in general, yes. Do I still worry? Yes. You see my dilemma? However, thus is life– and life isn’t always fair or right. People can change, I suppose. So oftentimes we must trudge on until we see the top of the hill.
Among with my daily Hafiz readings and reflections, I’ve been doing (again) a bible study that I was introduced to during my internship with Western Yearly Meeting. It’s called Spiritual Disciplines Companion. It’s really quite good, and thought-provoking. That aside, I’ve been working on a chapter called “Unpretentious Service” it talks about doing good, and serving without pretention, or serving without expecting anything in return. It’s a great reminder to me, of my duty, of my ability to let go– and just serve others.
Without expectation of a return. It’s been such a resonation of thoughts and IDEAS.
My Hafiz readings the last three days have been a call to Christ about “covering his butt” for so little immediate return, but yet Hafiz, ends the “poem” stating that still he “covers his butt”, because there is help and reward when we most need it– a fitting expression. We get so ANGRY at the injustice and the sadness, however there comes that promise of peace at the end. When it’s the right time, if you will. A take-away, if you will, an end point.
Just thoughts, self-less love and service, being able to find that inner peace, and knowing when enough is enough. Such thoughts. Such wonders?